"My writing has appeared in the New Yorker and The Atlantic Monthly, though whenever the newsstand guy catches me scribbling my poetry in them, he always comes along later and erases it."
"Her heart is so dark, if it were ink it’d be beyond black and would only be good for writing a murder mystery novel."
"I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects."
"As a sculptor, I prefer busts. As a lover of women, I prefer busts. And as a football enthusiast, I prefer Robert Griffin III."
"The cat hair floated in the air like a sound vibration, and I plucked it like a guitar string. Sometimes I can be so musical I’m like a living love song."
"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."