"Myth, mist, and mystery all add to the illusion of love. If you need me I’ll be by the fog machine wearing a tunic and writing an epic poem in Greek."
"A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician."
"People with money have to worry about who their real friends are. I don’t have that problem for two reasons: I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any friends."
"The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solidfluid, and I would have bought something, but the only thing I was thirsty for was her love."
"The fragrance of romance is gratitude. Nothing says I love you like saying I love you. Sure, it’s better to show your love, but why not also say it?"
"She was a tall drink of water from Tallahassee, and I was an instant-coffee kind of lover. I got her so hot that neither one of could go to sleep until the ambulance finally came to a complete stop."