"Lying in bed listless, I wrote a list. I then had a list, but I was still listless. Perhaps because my list was of all the things I love, and every entry was you."
"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."
"Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen."
"I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him."
"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."
"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."