She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly h... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."

"My love has a flow like a flower, so it’s best if you water it with the fragrance of romance, which has the aroma of loyalty."

"If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it's not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life."