"The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress."
"trichloroethane [...] All my extensive testing has shown this to be the best treatment for a dangerous excess of human knowledge"
"You know how both life and porno movies end. The only difference is life starts with the orgasm."
"The best way to waste your life, is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate."
"You think maybe if you just work harder and faster, you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you’re changing a patio light bulb with a five-year life span and you realize how you’ll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you’ll be dead."
"It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will reject you or die."