"To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken."
"I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy."
"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal."
"If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder."
"Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer."
"Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god."