To get people to notice you, you must be unique. If I were i... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you."

"My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling."

"A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment."

"Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."