"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."
"The roses of romance grow when you water your relationship with gratitude. Love will bloom and blossom when you recognize the awesome."
"When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory."
"Love is like 9.75 plus .25. That’s 10, for all of you people trying to add fractions on your fingers. I can only count using eight, because I’m too busy using my middle fingers to tell the politicians how much I love them."
"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."
"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."