"While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses."
"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."
"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."
"I'm a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you're supposed to feel all kinds of things."
"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."
"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."