Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse w... - Ellen DeGeneres

"Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot."

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"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."
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"While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses."
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"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."