"Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!)."
"My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you."
"The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer."
"Two one-armed people might seem perfect for each other, but what if they’re both missing the same arm? Then even something simple like holding hands while walking becomes a case of they’re too similar to see themselves really going anywhere as a couple."
"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."
"Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from plagues, pestilence, and famine, her love is by far the cruelest."