You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, wit... - Mark Twain

"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?"

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"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
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"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."