Mark Twain

"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."

"′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read."

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

"The secret to getting ahead is getting started."

"A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar."

"Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

"Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream."

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation."

"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read."

"It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech."

"The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies."

"The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also."

"Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

"A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat."

"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination."

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."