Jarod Kintz, The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

"Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom."

"A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you."

"Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert."

"Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert."

"I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?"