Jarod Kintz, The Merits of Marthaism, and How Being Named Susan Can Benefit You

"I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?"

"Riding a bicycle makes you impotent. That’s why I carry a bicycle seat in my pocket—because it’s better than wearing a condom."

"Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert."

"Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert."

"A rose is a mixture of flower and thorns, which means it’s half “Let’s fuck,” and half “fuck you."