All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a sign... - Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed."

"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."