All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a sign... - Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."

"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."

"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."