"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."
"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."
"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."
"I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed."
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."
"What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind."