"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."
"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."
"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."
"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"
"Hydrogenated and androgynous milky white love is all I have to offer you. Would you like me to pour it in your coffee, or directly into your soul?"
"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."