Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only."

"You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."

"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."

"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car."

"What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."