Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born."

"I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?"

"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."

"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"Not only do I not believe in not believing in God, I’m also a big supporter of crutches, canes, walkers, and anything that helps support man through difficult times."

"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."

"I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed."

"Every night I pray I whisper into a megaphone, not only so God is sure to hear, but also my neighbors, because I pray to God He’ll deliver pestilence and plague to the residents next door. I even tell God the exact address, as if He can’t read my heart. But it’s not for His benefit, it’s for my neighbors’."

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."