Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."

"All the ideas in the universe can be described by words. Therefore, if you simply take all the words and rearrange them randomly enough times, you’re bound to hit upon at least a few great ideas eventually. Sausage donkey swallows flying guillotine, my love assembly line."

"Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head."

"Are you OK with pissing people off to succeed? Because that’s what will happen. Success pisses off the unsuccessful."

"More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement."

"One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule for a later date."

"You know that I know you know, but I want you to know that I know you know I know you know I know. It’s important for you to know that, you know?"

"I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that."

"The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type."

"Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair."

"I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town."

"Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom."

"Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans."

"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."

"My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father."

"Are you happy here with me? Because if not, we can scoot over a few feet."