"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."
"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. I would pour you a large glass of Michael Phelps, but I don’t have that much water."
"I just developed a gun that shoots mustaches. Sometimes a disguise can be deadly, especially if it’s your love you’re trying to camouflage."
"I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking."
"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."
"I pet horses and ride cats, because I’m a cowman. I’m too mature to be a cowboy."