Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible."