Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil."

"I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted."

"When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."

"It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless."