"A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil."
"Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from plagues, pestilence, and famine, her love is by far the cruelest."
"Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary."
"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."
"God ordered the world and all things in it, and I ordered a pizza and all things on it."
"I removed all the doors to our love, so you can’t lock yourself away from me. But I didn’t stop there. I also replaced the doors with metal detectors, so I could fondle you more efficiently, like the highly trained professionals do who run airport security."