"Every day I think today could be my last day. My only fear is dying without telling her I love her one more time. All I pray for is one more time."
"He’s right-handed, so I told him to draw his self-portrait with his left hand, because it’d look so ugly it’d look realistic. Since he’s a DC politician, I figured a little reality was needed in his life."
"I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?"
"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."
"I belong, and my penis, it be long."
"I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not."