"Let’s do a 50-50 deal, with me getting 75% of the profits, and you getting the other half. That’s how we can both get the most value out of a relationship."
"Telephone pole wires get in the way of great photos. Communication always gets in the way of communication."
"My love burns for you like I’m an arsonist and marshmallows-on-sticks salesman. $2.99 each, or 5 for $10."
"You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)"
"Reading makes you ready for the world. A man who doesn’t read is a man who is easily deceived. You must find that man and make him sign a contract, and you must do it before Satan does. Trust me, the profits are HUGE!"
"I drive as fast as four tire swings hanging from a tree branch in the middle of winter. I also make love with as much speed and rotation."