For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, ju... - Jarod Kintz, So many chairs, and no time to sit

"For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be."

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be."

"It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners."

"I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same."