Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn,... - Dave Barry

"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"

"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."

"Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."