More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."
"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking."
"I’ll sit on a soda and drink a sofa. It’s just healthier. You should see how I make love. Show starts at 8:00. Tickets are ten bucks at the window."
"I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift."