"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is."
"I'm a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you're supposed to feel all kinds of things."
"I would love for the world to be happier."
"I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do."
"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."