"I count as blessings things I could have benefited from, even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift, even if left wrapped and unopened."
"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."
"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"
"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."
"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."
"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."