"I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall)."
"Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice."
"How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell."
"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."
"I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me."
"If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee."