I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bach... - Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

"If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee."

"I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"Every night I cuddle with a blob of unbaked clay I fashioned in the shape of a woman. But that’s what being in love is all about."

"I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade."