Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

"If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it."

"I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory."

"If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you."

"How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell."

"With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade."

"With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me."

"I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall)."

"An exercise in unknowing is not the same as not knowing or forgetting."

"If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you."

"I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice."

"You could empty the trash and my love for you still wouldn’t fit inside. But just because it won’t fit, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t empty the trash."

"Love gives you wings. Icarus and the Challenger both had wings, and so did my first love letter, after I folded it up and flung it at my crush."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."

"Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called."