"I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love."
"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."
"I’m giving a free concert tonight. Seating is limited, so bring your own toilet. While there is no admission price, if you bring 100 dollars, it’s like a roll of toilet paper."
"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."
"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."
"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."