"Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness."
"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."
"I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer."
"If I die with a zillion dollars and you die with zero, our net worth is worthless. All that matters is the love we level across our lives."
"When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory."
"The roses of romance grow when you water your relationship with gratitude. Love will bloom and blossom when you recognize the awesome."