"I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish."
"I should combine a car bumper with a belt, for a fashion accessory that’s safe for office romances. Powdered love poetry sold separately."
"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."
"My acquaintances aren’t worth the aqua I drink after they leave me thirsting for something more meaningful. I don’t want refillable relationships—I want connections so deep they are black abysses."
"I belong, and my penis, it be long."
"As soon as you cross the county line into where all the wealthier people live, the weather is suddenly sunnier and warmer. Even at night."