I used to be a bumper sticker kind of writer. Now I’m more d... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"Sometimes I ask God what I did to deserve her love. I maintain my innocence, and of all the forms of God’s wrath from plagues, pestilence, and famine, her love is by far the cruelest."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."

"Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino secretary."