I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened."

"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."

"Webster’s—the original high definition entertainment."

"The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer."

"I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor."