I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perf... - Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview.

"I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy."

"I want to be a creature that’s half bee, half the letter B. That way I can pollinate the world with my literacy."

"Before I die, I want to change my name to "Here,"so that my tombstone could simply read, "Here lies."And then people who knew me could walk by, shake their head, and say, "Ain't that the truth."