I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my he... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"In the morning I brush my teeth with hope, and at night before bed I brush them with defeat. Both are mint flavored, so I try not to get them mixed up."

"I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now."

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"You just tell me when and where, and not only will I not be there, but I’ll also be late."