"I wish every envelope enclosed a love letter. It’s this hope that leads me to open strangers’ mail. So you see, I’m a romantic, not an NSA employee."
"Love is like a portable lamp/sex toy. The world calls those flashlights, but I’m much more romantic."
"Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights."
"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."
"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."
"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."