"I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce sold separately.)"
"Asking me if I’m in love is like asking a mortician if now is the best time to die."
"When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle."
"I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love."
"The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her."
"Last time I arm-wrestled, I broke my leg. Boy, what I wouldn’t do for love."