"If anybody is looking to rent a dancing partner for an evening, I have one left in stock. That one is me, and I am on sale ‘til Tuesday at two."
"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."
"Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?"
"In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical."
"During my darkest hour, life threw me some curves. Thankfully they were in the shape of a woman’s body."
"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."