More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."
"I'm so popular in life that valets are already starting to park the cars lined up for my funeral, which is expected sometime late 2082. #OutBoastKanye"
"I was gardening when I saw this snail/slug thing disguised as a leaf. Ah, isn't fall a wonderful time to slowly fall in love?"
"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."
"Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer."