"If love were a dolphin with wings and a unicorn’s horn, being ridden by a blind leprechaun dressed like Rasputin, would you believe in second chances for love at first sight?"
"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"
"My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?"
"I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed."
"When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with a 50% stake."
"I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy."