"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."
"If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic."
"My I love yous were watered down, which was how I was able to grow such a beautiful garden. I’m a relationship farmer, and I’m growing as a person."
"We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman."
"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"
"Some people grow cotton, while I have a t-shirt farm. The rainy season is when I get the most visitors."