If we make it out of this alive, I’ll kill you. So you have... - Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

"I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour."

"I inherited a pound from my British uncle. I’d have rather gotten a dollar, because what do I want with an animal shelter?"

"It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless."

"Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’re a member of Congress."

"Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch."