If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you r... - Mark Twain

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."

"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."

"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?"

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."