"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. Panicked stillness, that’s the look I’ve perfected in an effort to make myself appear more approachable."
"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."
"I want to be the founder of a #startup app called Quid Pro Squid. No idea what it will do, but if I can get enough users, VC money will flow."
"I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one."
"My vacation wasn’t long enough—and neither was my penis. Two weeks is just too short to satisfy one woman all night long."
"If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love."