"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. Panicked stillness, that’s the look I’ve perfected in an effort to make myself appear more approachable."
"A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment."
"Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through."
"I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her."
"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."
"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."