"I’m 33, and an 18-year-old girl called me old. I said, “You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair."
"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."
"I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you."
"Water is translucent, but not invisible. But a glass half full is half translucent, half invisible, and you cannot drink what you cannot see, which may be why I am so thirsty for her love."
"I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them to open up at 10. I’m never late, except in love."
"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. To make each handshake more feel more personal, I try to wear the thinnest rubber gloves I can find."