"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them."
"Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say."
"Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeeper asked me to leave."
"Early on I set out to write the next Great American Novel, and then later on I set out the silverware and enjoyed my dinner in silence."
"Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy."