"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."
"She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to."
"With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact."
"I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less."
"Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard."
"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."