Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

"With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact."

"When it comes to Schopenhauer, I think I need a To-Go box."

"I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real."

"As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon."

"Books allow you to take flight, unlike the chicken wings I stapled to my back before eating them."

"We all have to have something to hold on to, even if it’s our own torso."

"I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit."

"Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did."

"All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success."

"Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists."

"Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools."

"I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral."

"When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing,” they’re just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe, besides God, could be a good or bad thing."

"A farm is a business, and I ran mine into the ground. The next year it grew back."

"If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch."

"At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a supplies closet."

"I’m up for the Julius Caesar Author of the Year Award this year. I’m tremendously proud, considering Caesar is the guy who burned down the Library of Alexandria."

"Love will wreck your heart like a derailed train. So choo-choose your partner wisely."